Thankfully, my personal discovery of universalism eliminated a vast majority of these feelings. However, even today it can continue to be a struggle. This has always been something I find quite challenging to discuss. I suspect this is due to the guilt. When I was younger, it always felt like I was the only one combating doubts about God and religion. Everyone else was "superior" to me because they did not question (at least, I thought they did not; in reality, I am sure many of them did) God or whatever the pastor preached. This was one of the primary reasons I characterized myself as a bad person. I never expressed these emotions to anyone for fear of being reveled as a fraud.
The time (summer of 2009) around my transformation to universalism was not a pleasant period in my life. I had just recently dealt with two extremely difficult personal problems. Only two months after this transformation, early symptoms of my current illness began to show. The first time I was admitted to the hospital, a CT scan revealed a massive cyst in my abdomen, which the doctors logically assumed to be the cause of my symptoms. All of a sudden I was informed that I required emergency surgery. Up to that point in my life, I'd never even had an IV put in, let alone a major and risky surgery. To top it off, I was at school in New York City, 1500 miles away from my family, who was unable to come and be with me.
Although it pains me to admit it, I was terrified. All the previous fear of God that universalism had taken away from me instantly came flooding back. I could not suppress the thought "What if I was wrong?" and that God might be punishing me for my new found beliefs. I began to feverishly pray silently, apologizing to God for ever doubting in Him and pleading that, if I did not survive the operation, not to send me to hell and torture me forever and ever. It was all I could do not to start crying in front of the doctors and nurses.
By the time the operation was over and I was wheeled up to my hospital room, it was after midnight. Physically, I was pretty uncomfortable; enough so that I could not sleep. Mentally, I was a disaster. I was overwhelmed with guilt. It was paralyzing, like there was a tremendous weight crushing my chest, and I struggled to breathe. For several months, I had considered my revelation of universalism a gift from God and cherished the happiness and the peace of mind it had brought me. Yet, as soon as a substantial threat had come along, it was as if I threw it all out the window. I was incredibly ashamed of myself. Worse, I was scared that God was also ashamed of me, or even angry at me.
I wish I could say these feelings were resolved quickly and easily, but they were not. It took several weeks. Eventually, I came to understand that God was not angry for my lapse. Actually, I believe He was genuinely sorry for the terror I had endured. I realized that He wanted me to reach a position where, even in life threatening situations, I would trust His unconditional love to save me and holding not even an infinitesimal fear of being thrown away like a piece of garbage. How I recognized these things, I honestly cannot say. They are just something I know. And yes, I am very much aware of how idiotic that sounds.
I also wish I could say that situation was the end of those disturbing feelings. But it wasn't. I still must occasionally battle them. Since becoming sick, my life has been put on hold. I was forced to take time off school and move back home. There are many nights where I lie sleepless in awful pain, angry. I bitterly ask God, "Why has this happened to me?", "Why are you punishing me?", "What have I done to deserve this?". Of course, I always feel guilty for my outbursts later.
Yet, I still wish I had the answers to my questions. Basically, I long to know why I must suffer, why we all must suffer. Because of this mystery, many conclude either that there is no God or that He does not love us unconditionally. But, as trite as it sounds, I know in my heart that He does. I know that He loves me and I know that He loves every single individual He has created. I know that, no matter the outcome of my illness, good or bad, God will support me every step of the way, even when I do not even realize He is there.
