The Destructiveness of Religious Judgement

Last week, I accompanied my mother to a doctor's appointment. While she was back in the exam room, I hung out in the waiting room. It was a typical doctor's office waiting room and I got bored rather quickly. As I looked around for some magazines to read, a shelf near the check-in counter caught my eye. I walked over and realized it was display of different books you could buy. Most of them were rather small and looked like they had been printed by a local budget publisher. Not poor quality or anything, just plain. These books mainly dealt with medical issues, like healthy meal ideas for diabetics or an exercise guide for people with arthritis. However, on the middle shelf of the display, there was a thin book of inspirational stories.

Just for the record, I usually avoid books like that. While I generally consider myself to be an optimist, I generally find these types of books to be just a little irritating. The stories always seem either too good to be true or totally cheesy and unrealistic. But, since I had nothing better to do, and was suffering from neither diabetes nor arthritis, I grabbed the book (unfortunately, I do not remember the title), opened it to a random story, and began to read. The story I ended up with was about 12 pages long, so I've written out a short synopsis. Before I begin, I want to note that, while the exact Christian denomination the couple in the story belongs too is never disclosed, I think it is safe to assume they were conservative Christians, possibly even fundamentalists. You will see why I believe this as you read my synopsis, but please feel free to disagree with me.

The story begins with a devout Christian couple. This couple had a son who became extremely unhappy and increasingly distant during his teenage years. He rejected his religious upbringing and refused to continue attending church, which greatly upset his parents. As soon as he graduated high school, he left home without reveling where he intended to go.

Over the next few years, they had sparse contact with their son. During his rare phone calls, they attempted to convince their son to come home and return to the church, saying that no matter what his sins were, Jesus would forgive him. Not surprisingly, their son spurned their invitation to return home and declined to give them any information about why he had disappeared or where he was. Soon, the phone calls ceased all together.

Sometime later (I forget exactly how long, but it couldn't have been more than a few years), the phone rang in the middle of the night. It was their son. He confessed to his parents that he was gay and that he was in a hospital in San Francisco, dying of AIDS. He said he wanted to tell them so that they would know what happened to him, but that he did not wish to see them. He had directed the nurses not to allow his parents to enter his room if they appeared at the hospital. He said goodbye and hung up.

Being devout Christians, the parents instantly called their pastor, who agreed to meet them at their church. Once at the church, the parents explained what their son had admitted to them over the phone and asked their pastor what he thought they should do. The pastor told them that they needed to immediately fly out to California and attempt to see their son. He said that their son was still unsaved and that it would be their final chance to preach the Gospel to him and save him from his life of sin.

At this point, I should note that his homosexuality is never explicitly mentioned as being the reason for his "life of sin", but that was the vibe I got from the story. I would not have been surprised if the pastor had interpreted the son's AIDS as a punishment from God for the son's homosexuality.

The parents promptly left for San Francisco, arriving that evening. Once at the hospital, they requested to see their son. A nurse showed them to a waiting area and then departed for the son's room. She returned several minutes later and informed the parents that their son had refused to see them. This news deeply distressed the parents. However, they asked the nurse to tell their son that they would not leave and that if he changed his mind and desired to see them, they would be waiting for him. This entire exchange was overheard by another nurse. She approached the parents and offered to go talk to their son for them. She thought she might be able to convince him to see his parents. Of course the parents were happy to let her try and persuade their son. 

The nurse was gone for quite a while. As the parents waited, they prayed to Jesus for their son's salvation. When the nurse finally reappeared, she told the parents that their son had consented to see them. The parents rapidly made their way to their son's hospital room. When they saw him for the first time in numerous years, they were shocked. He was pale, thin, and appeared incredibly ill. His arms were covered in bruises and needle marks (I believe the point of that observation was to show the reader that the son had been using drugs). Despite this, the parents were overjoyed to be with their son. 

At this point, I would like to note two things. First, while not much is mentioned about the nurse who goes to talk with the son, it is implied that she is a Christian with beliefs similar to those of the parents. Second, I believe the comment about the son's arms was meant to inform the reader that the son was a drug addict, another "sin" on top of his homosexuality. While the bruises and needle marks could have been from medical treatment, the tone of that passage suggested otherwise.

Over the next couple hours, they talked with him. Their son told them that he had left the church because he was gay. He had tried many many times to change, but each time he failed miserably. Because of that, he loathed himself and was tremendously angry at God for creating him this way. He could not go back to the church because he thought Jesus would never accept him, since he had led such a sinful lifestyle.

His mother listened to her son's story with tears running down her cheeks. After he was finished, she told him that it was not too late; Jesus still loved him and would accept him. All he had to do was ask for forgiveness, renounce his former lifestyle, and let Jesus into his heart. Then he could die in peace, knowing he was saved and that he would be granted eternal life in heaven. The son, with his mother's support and encouragement, did just that. He prayed the sinner's prayer and became a Christian in the final hours of his life. He died later that night, happy in the knowledge that he was saved through his faith in Jesus Christ. 

When I finally finished the story, I was in almost a state of shock. This was supposed to be one of those inspirational, feel-good-about-the-world stories. But I didn't feel good at all. Quite the opposite. I felt sick. I felt angry. I wanted to cry. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to chuck the book across the room. My first rational thought was "I hope to God this story isn't true". But I had a nauseating feeling that it was.

Throughout the story, the assumption is that the son was so miserable because he was gay. But I think the real reason he was miserable because he was raised in a religious system which judges homosexuality to be a sin and condemns homosexuals themselves as immoral and depraved. This religious judgement convinced him that God both hated him and was disgusted by him. He was an abomination. Even worse, when he died, God was going to throw him into hell to endure horrendous, conscious torment for all eternity. Of course, if you truly believe that God hates you, you are going to hate yourself. I am sure that is what led to the drug abuse and other problems not mentioned. 

From the story, it is obvious that the parents loved their son very much. I met conservative Christians who, if they found out their son was gay and dying of AIDS, would have just hung up the phone. But these parents did not. They desperately wanted to save their son. Yet they were absolutely clueless it was their own religious beliefs that had done so much damage.

This story breaks my heart so much because those same beliefs, which had produced so much destruction in his life, were being shoved down his throat while he laid on his death bed. What he actually needed to hear was that his homosexuality did not make him evil or wrong, that God loved him completely and unconditionally, and that he had nothing to fear, for God would never abandon him to hell for being gay. Instead, once more he was reminded of how evil and wrong he supposedly was by being told he had to beg God for forgiveness and renounce his former lifestyle in order to be saved. My only hope is that he was able to die peacefully without fear. It was the least he deserved after the hell he lived through on Earth.

This story demonstrates the reason why conservative Christianity's (or any other religion's/denomination's/sect's) beliefs in an eternal hell and an angry, petty, and conditionally loving God makes me so angry and why I am so passionate about universalism and God's unconditional love. Despite the parents best intentions and their substantial love for their son, their conception of God totally destroyed him.

These beliefs must be challenged and changed. Even in the hands of good, loving people, they can cause immense suffering. In the hands of depraved, power-hungry, and manipulative people, they can wreak entire families, tear apart whole communities and utterly devastate an individual's soul. 

People often act like the God they believe in. If their God doesn't love unbelievers and either tortures them forever or annihilates them, why should the believers in that God act any differently? How could it be wrong to harm or kill someone whom God is just going to torment and/or exterminate anyway? Their souls obviously have little value to God, so why should their lives be valuable to other people? But if their God is genuinely a God of unconditional love who will not stop until every single one of His children is saved, everything changes. Suddenly, harming an unbeliever becomes equivalent to harming a believer. Suddenly, life isn't about how many souls you can "save", but about self-sacrifice in service to others. Suddenly, unworthiness and fear are replaced by trust and love. Suddenly, the world becomes a better place for all of us.

The Theology of Right

In the comments of my last post, Bruce of Fallen From Grace, a former evangelical Christian pastor, wrote "For me, the most important thing was being right. In my mind I believed that by striving to be right I was closer to God."

Bruce's remark stuck with me today, presumably because it elicited vivid memories from my past. Why is the need for "rightness" so common in Christianity, especially the more conservative denominations? What has the requirement of being right done to Christianity as a whole? Does it, as Bruce once believed, bring one closer to God?

I believe the primary motivation behind the need to be right in much of Christianity can be traced back to the notion of moral superiority I discussed in my last post. I said that conservative Christians "vigorously insist that the only way to procure a genuine relationship with God and enter into heaven is through their religious system". This conviction naturally leads to a certainty of moral superiority. However, moral superiority is not solely an abstract idea. Adherents believe it is manifested in the individual doctrines advocated by conservative Christianity. This is where the demand to be right originates. For a particular doctrine to be morally superior to other doctrines explaining similar questions, it must be considered "right". If it was not, competing doctrines could  assert "rightness" and then moral superiority would be in question. So, the more engrossed a denomination is with moral superiority, the greater the necessity for them to regard their beliefs as "right". In my experience, this correlation is most obviously demonstrated by fundamentalist Christianity.

Personally, I think this obsession with being right has absolutely decimated Christianity. There are currently thousands of separate Christian denominations. A majority of these denominations did not emerge from thin air, but instead were frequently created by schisms of  previously established denominations. The dominant rationale for these schisms is a dispute in some point of theology. Some of these disputes are more serious than others: Was Jesus fully man, fully God, or both? Is salvation principally achieved by faith or works? Other disputes are comparatively minor: Is the Sabbath on Saturday or Sunday? Did Jesus drink wine or grape juice at the Last Supper?

My personal favorite though, is: Will the Rapture of true believers occur before, during, or after the Tribulation? In the past decade or so, most fundamentalist believers have become thoroughly convinced that we are in the midst of the end-of-days. I found the intensity of the arguments over the timing of the Rapture to be beyond absurd. I observed not just churches, but actual families, being torn apart over such an insignificant issue.

Honestly, I find it rather depressing. Early Christianity had such awesome potential to transform the world. Yet, when I review history, I am left considerably disappointed. It seems as if much of this potential was squandered on superficial disagreements.

So, does striving to be right above all else bring one closer to God? While I cannot speak for everybody, I can speak for myself, and for me, the answer is no. Actually, quite the opposite. Growing up, I questioned  many of the supposedly "right" beliefs. I realized they were either logically or morally inconsistent. Unfortunately, this brought on massive amounts of guilt and fear. As a child, I was taught those doctrines were the laws of God, and to question them put my immortal soul in danger. If you did not have perfectly right beliefs, God would torture you in hell for all eternity. Far from being close to God, I was terrified of Him.

Even today, I can still fall into the trap of "being right". Although universalism has brought me close to God in a way fundamentalism never could, sometimes I become anxious. What if I have gotten some of the details wrong? What if I have made a mistake? What about the questions I don't yet have answers too? When this occurs, I must to remember to step back and observe the bigger picture. Universalism has taught me that it is love that truly matters; God's love for each of us and our love for each other. The details are just that: details. I am not saying details are completely meaningless, but we cannot allow the details to take over our lives. If we do, our priority becomes being right, when it should be love.

Fear and Organized Religion

Fear is one of the most basic, primitive, and powerful human emotions. It comes in a variety of distinctive nuances, including anxiety, paranoia, dread, terror, phobias and panic. It can be rational or irrational. No matter what form it possesses, fear is frustrating, for it cannot be easily dismissed or ignored. We all experience fear at times, although most of us are not inclined to admit it. Some fears are universal: fear of death (either our own or of a loved one), fear of the future, and fear of punishment. Others are more individual. For example, before I became ill a year and a half ago, I was absolutely terrified of hypodermic needles. Anytime I saw one, even on TV, I had a panic attack. Just thinking about them could make me break out in a cold sweat. The fear was so intense that it became a danger to my health. The only vaccines I got were those required by law for school. Despite having asthma, I refused to get the annual influenza shot. The first times I had blood drawn and an IV inserted was when I began showing symptoms of leukemia, just after my 20th birthday.

When I reflect on these facts now, after hundreds of needle sticks in the past 18 months, I feel rather foolish. Of course needles are not pleasant, but they did not deserve the fear I had attached to them. Luckily, the object of my fear was a relatively insignificant part of my life and could usually be avoided. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. The universal fears I mentioned earlier are neither minor pieces of our lives, nor can they be circumvented. These profound fears leave us open to manipulation and abuse by organized religion.

Organized religion in its most conservative forms, such as fundamentalist Christianity and Islam is guilty what author and counselor Boyd Purcell calls "spiritual abuse" or, in extreme circumstances, "spiritual terrorism". Basically, spiritual abuse is the use of fear to control and manipulate members of a church. Since a majority of fundamentalist believers were raised within their sect or denomination, ideas are instilled at a young and impressionable age. This is where the fear originates. Children are instructed to believe certain doctrines and to comply with specific rules. They are then warned that questioning the doctrines or violating the rules will result in severe divine punishment.

Within fundamentalist religion, the fear results from the perceived negative characteristics of God. Although God is often attributed positive traits, such as being all-loving, fatherly, merciful, etc., fundamentalists tend to believe that God exhibits negative traits, such as being wrathful, judgmental, and cruel. Fundamentalist leaders describe in great detail the ever-lasting torment awaiting unbelievers in hell. Believers are threatened with a supposedly all-loving God's condemnation to hell eternally for even minuscule infractions. This fear stifles intellectual curiosity and spiritual growth. For the leaders, however, this fear ensures them constant power, with an army of loyal believers too scared to even consider challenging the status-quo. Depending on the individual's personality, this fear can cause immense damage. To honestly believe that God will send billions of people to hell and torture them eternally is horrifying. Although many are able to bury this teaching in the depths of their mind so they do not have to actually contemplate its true significance, some cannot. Of course, this leads to skepticism of their beliefs, a forbidden activity which ushers in even greater fear.

I have written before how I myself was caught in this perpetual cycle of fear and doubt and doubt and fear. Escape took years and I suspect the wound will never totally heal. I am left with one nagging question: Why has such fear of God been allowed to propagate?

Much of the fear can be traced to an aggressive thirst for power. During the late Roman Empire and the Middle Ages, Christian kings and emperors used Christianity to justify the conquest of vast territories in order to convert the pagan inhabitants to Christianity. Of course, there had to be an incentive for the pagans to convert. Fear of eternal damnation in hell coupled with the promise of eternal bliss of heaven persuaded conversions by the thousands. God was subverted from a redeemer of broken souls to a political tool.

That power grab continues to this day. Churches fight for members and political influence. Fear allows church leaders to control the rank and file. If any of them cease to toe the party line, a warning is conveyed, usually thinly disguised as concerned advice, that God is not pleased with their actions and that their soul is in jeopardy. This happened to me several times. Once, I asked a question in Sunday school class about how ancient cavemen fit into the story of Genesis. My Sunday school teacher later pulled me aside and in a “concerned” voice told me that God was upset and angry that I was reading such books because it showed that I lacked faith in Him. She admonished me to dedicate everything I did to Jesus or risk being left behind when the Rapture came (which we believed was imminent). It was all I could do not to burst into tears right then. I cried myself to sleep for weeks in terror.

As a universalist, I now discern what this fear genuinely is: toxic and soul-killing. I believe that the doctrine of hell has wreaked incalculable devastation on humanity. It has created a god who is astonishingly cruel and shallow. Is it not shocking that so many have rejected this god as an impossible monster? Regrettably, when this distorted version of God is rejected, many abandon hope for God at all. I did so myself for several years.

Universalism does not just reveal the love of God. It reveals that God is Love. Fear of God, fear of hell, fear of death, all are vanquished, for "perfect love drives out all fear" (1 John 4:18). God loves every human being He has ever created with an unimaginable intensity. To feel God's infinite love is beyond indescribable. It is as if all the fear and all pain are erased in an instant. But it's not just the love that is moving. It is the sorrow. The deepness of the sorrow God feels for His children's suffering. Every ounce of pain and every drop of misery His children endure is acutely felt by Him.

Fundamentalist religion is so caught up with doctrines, laws, and absolute perfection that they miss the point entirely. It should proclaim the love and closeness of God. Instead, it declares that we are separated from God by our own sin and weakness. It tells us God gives us but one chance to get it right while living on an Earth filled with hardship and pain. If we fail, God will throw us away like garbage. But this is a lie. God is always with us. Nothing could keep God away from us. He desires so intensely for us to see Him as He really is: our Creator and our Father whose strength more than makes up for our weakness and who will never abandon a single soul he has made. He aches for us to trust Him so He may heal the destruction fear has caused. Although the first step away from the organized religion which has ravaged us is scary, we have nothing to fear from the God who loves us.

Fear, Anger, Guilt, and God

In my first post on this blog, I detailed my life and my religious beliefs as they evolved over time. Much of my description focused on the horribly negative emotions I associated with God, including my considerable fear of His punishment, my raging anger at His egregious injustice, and the immense guilt I felt for experiencing the fear and anger, the certainty that I was a completely bad person, and the guilt itself.

Thankfully, my personal discovery of universalism eliminated a vast majority of these feelings. However, even today it can continue to be a struggle. This has always been something I find quite challenging to discuss. I suspect this is due to the guilt. When I was younger, it always felt like I was the only one combating doubts about God and religion. Everyone else was "superior" to me because they did not question (at least, I thought they did not; in reality, I am sure many of them did) God or whatever the pastor preached. This was one of the primary reasons I characterized myself as a bad person. I never expressed these emotions to anyone for fear of being reveled as a fraud.

The time (summer of 2009) around my transformation to universalism was not a pleasant period in my life. I had just recently dealt with two extremely difficult personal problems. Only two months after this transformation, early symptoms of my current illness began to show. The first time I was admitted to the hospital, a CT scan revealed a massive cyst in my abdomen, which the doctors logically assumed to be the cause of my symptoms. All of a sudden I was informed that I required emergency surgery. Up to that point in my life, I'd never even had an IV put in, let alone a major and risky surgery.  To top it off, I was at school in New York City, 1500 miles away from my family, who was unable to come and be with me.

Although it pains me to admit it, I was terrified. All the previous fear of God that universalism had taken away from me instantly came flooding back. I could not suppress the thought "What if I was wrong?" and that God might be punishing me for my new found beliefs. I began to feverishly pray silently, apologizing to God for ever doubting in Him and pleading that, if I did not survive the operation, not to send me to hell and torture me forever and ever. It was all I could do not to start crying in front of the doctors and nurses.

By the time the operation was over and I was wheeled up to my hospital room, it was after midnight. Physically, I was pretty uncomfortable; enough so that I could not sleep. Mentally, I was a disaster. I was overwhelmed with guilt. It was paralyzing, like there was a tremendous weight crushing my chest, and I struggled to breathe. For several months, I had considered my revelation of universalism a gift from God and cherished the happiness and the peace of mind it had brought me. Yet, as soon as a substantial threat had come along, it was as if I threw it all out the window. I was incredibly ashamed of myself. Worse, I was scared that God was also ashamed of me, or even angry at me.

I wish I could say these feelings were resolved quickly and easily, but they were not. It took several weeks.  Eventually, I came to understand that God was not angry for my lapse. Actually, I believe He was genuinely sorry for the terror I had endured. I realized that He wanted me to reach a position where, even in life threatening situations, I would trust His unconditional love to save me and holding not even an infinitesimal fear of being thrown away like a piece of garbage. How I recognized these things, I honestly cannot say. They are just something I know. And yes, I am very much aware of how idiotic that sounds.

I also wish I could say that situation was the end of those disturbing feelings. But it wasn't. I still must occasionally battle them. Since becoming sick, my life has been put on hold. I was forced to take time off school and move back home. There are many nights where I lie sleepless in awful pain, angry. I bitterly ask God, "Why has this happened to me?", "Why are you punishing me?", "What have I done to deserve this?". Of course, I always feel guilty for my outbursts later.

Yet, I still wish I had the answers to my questions. Basically, I long to know why I must suffer, why we all must suffer. Because of this mystery, many conclude either that there is no God or that He does not love us unconditionally. But, as trite as it sounds, I know in my heart that He does. I know that He loves me and I know that He loves every single individual He has created. I know that, no matter the outcome of my illness, good or bad, God will support me every step of the way, even when I do not even realize He is there.

It's the End of the World!

Or, at least, you'd think it was by listening to the countless groups warning us that the end of days is almost upon us.

A little research is enough to show me that these kind of pronouncements are nothing new. Humans have been predicting the end of the world for thousands of years. Yet, recently, it seems that Armageddon prophecies have become mainstream. It's not just some odd preacher on the street corner commanding you to "Repent for the End is Nigh!". It's a pop-culture phenomena and our insatiable appetite for the last days is fed by books, documentaries, TV shows, and even big budget Hollywood movies.

It began with the Y2K craze in 1999 as people panicked about the imminent failure of all computers when the clocks rolled over to the year 2000. After the new millennium came in with a glaring lack of catastrophes, our fervor only grew. Soon, word spread about the supposed "end" of the Mayan calendar on December 21/22 , 2012. This time, the end of the world is being portrayed through a more religious lens, rather than a technological one. Although exact dates vary, a multitude of Christian groups are preaching that Jesus' Second Coming will occur within the next few years and true Christians must be ready for His return and the chaos of Armageddon. A group of Christians in Nashville, Tennessee is proclaiming that Jesus' return is scheduled for May 21st, 2011, only 4 months away. They believe Christ will then shepherd all true Christians up to Heaven and leave the rest of us to face the horrors of Armageddon, culminating with Judgment Day on October 21st, 2011.

The point of this post is not to disprove these dates. To be blunt, I think they are all BS. There are numerous reasons I believe this, but that is also not the point of this post. The point of this post is to ask a question.

Why are we so obsessed with the end of the world? The end of the world is not just a curiosity, it is a multi-million dollar business. People don't just want to know when it is, they want to know what it will be like, what to expect. When it becomes an element of a religious belief system, they want to be reassured that their group will be saved and all the "others" will be punished for their lack of faith. A few groups even believe they can hasten Armageddon by helping to fulfill certain events the Bible mentions must occur before Jesus can return. The best example of this are Christians lobbying for the government of Israel to destroy the Dome of the Rock and rebuild Solomon's Temple in Jerusalem, an act they presume must transpire before Christ's Second Coming.

Honestly, I think part of the answer is simple: laziness. Our world has countless problems, a majority of them man made. Fixing them is an overwhelming (and sometimes seemingly impossible) task. Wouldn't it just be easier if the world ended? Why should we worry about how our carbon dioxide emissions are warming up the Earth? Or be concerned about the increase in poverty everywhere, from the poorest villages in Africa to the must affluent cities in the US and Europe? Why anguish over the growing racial and religious tensions on an ever more connected globe? Or be anxious over dwindling food and water supplies? These complications will vanish when Jesus returns. He'll fix everything! No need for us to lift a finger.

Except, I do not believe God works that way. The Bible itself says in the first chapter of Genesis that humans were given dominion over the Earth and the living things which inhabit it. This means we are the guardians and caretakers of this planet and the life which we share it with. We can't walk away just because the clean-up job is difficult.

However, I do not believe this is the full picture. There is another dimension to the desire for hastening the end-times: fear. Fear is a powerful motivator because it bypasses reason and logic. Churches preach the end of the world to scare people either into converting or, if they already belong, not sliding into "immoral" behavior. If an individual is truly convinced the world is coming to an end and all he/she is required to do in order to receive a free ride up to Heaven before everything goes down the drain is join a particular church and follow their rules, fear of being "left behind" can quickly overpower you. The thought of being trapped in a hell-on-Earth scenario is terrifying. Combine that with the common images of an angry and vengeful God who wants nothing more than to harshly punish your tiniest sin, and who wouldn't want an early exit?

Please forgive me for being repetitive, but again, I do not believe God works that way. He did not put us here so we can dig ourselves into an enormous hole and sit around waiting for Him to teleport us directly to paradise while billions of other people on this planet suffer. God did not intend for us to live like nothing matters because the "End is Nigh!". I believe He intended us to live like every single day is a new opportunity to ease the suffering of others and learn to become better people. Instead of paying hundreds or even thousands of dollars on billboard guessing yet another "exact" date of Christ's return, those churches should be feeding the hungry, ministering to criminals in prison, and comforting the sick in the hospital, to name only a few more worthwhile activities.

The reason we do not know our end, whether is be our own personal death or Armageddon, is so that we may focus our time and energy to helping those less fortunate. It is a goal we all should strive for every day, no matter if we are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, pagan, atheist, Buddhist, or anything else. We should not obsess over our end either, or be afraid at our lack of knowledge, because we have nothing to fear. God is not the vengeful, judgmental old-man in the sky, counting down the days and hours until He can punish us severely for the smallest missteps. He is our Father Who loves us unconditionally and Who created us out of that love. He put us on Earth so that we may learn the Golden Rule.  As God, He knew we would make mistakes along the way, but He offers us His instant forgiveness, just as any human parent forgives their wayward child. He does not eagerly await our deaths, either as an individual or as a species, in order to punish us, but lovingly awaits the homecoming of the children he adores.

Fear of Armageddon is nothing but a distraction to living our lives and making the world a better place. Because, who knows how much time we have remaining? :P

The Omni-Charateristics of God (Part 5: The Problem of Evil)

This will be my fifth post in a five part series discussing the common characteristics of God and how I see them in light of my universalism. The five parts are:

1. Omnibenevolence (God is all-loving)
2. Omnipresence (God is present everywhere in space and time)
3. Omniscience (God is all-knowing, past, present, and future)
4. Omnipotence (God is all-powerful)
5. The Problem of Evil (The question of why, if God has the above 4 characteristics, evil exists in the universe)

In my final post in this series, I will discuss what is commonly called the Problem of Evil. Basically, why does pain and suffering exist in the world, if God is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent? For me, it is the most significant problem in theology.  Before I begin writing, I wish to make one thing clear. Many philosophers and theologians have proposed solutions to these problems, and others have created counter-arguments. However, I do not wish to give an overview of these arguments. Dozens of books have been written on this subject, and I doubt I am able to do a better job than them. What I desire is to write about my personal thoughts on this dilemma from the perspective of my universalism. 

Our world is full of suffering. Natural disasters, plagues, famines, wars, and death. No individual on this planet can escape pain for his or her entire life. Yet, we are told that God is all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-loving. How can this be?

In the creation story of Genesis, the Fall of Man is brought about when Adam and Eve gain the knowledge of good and evil. This is often seen to be humankind's downfall. If only Eve had obeyed God and not eaten the fruit! Yet, I feel too few people critically think about this story. What is it that separates us from other animals? Consciousness, free-will and morality. Because we are self-aware and free, we have the ability to make decisions, not on instinct, but on knowing the difference between right and wrong, good and evil. If we had not eaten the fruit of this tree, we would be innocent. But innocent is not good. For how can one be good if one does not know what good is?

Yes, the knowledge of good and evil is a burden. It makes our lives infinitely more complicated than bacteria, plants, or animals. And our ability to choose means we will choose wrong, and we will suffer. But who would honestly give up that knowledge? Theoretically, an "innocent" person could kill millions. Of course, they would not be evil, because they would not know their actions are evil. To me, the thought is terrifying. Without this choice, we cannot better ourselves. Without this choice, we cannot become more like God. I believe God knew exactly what kind of universe He was making. He knew the pain it would involve. I doubt He made this decision lightly. But He also knew the kind of creatures it would eventually create. Not ignorant robots, but human beings not only made in His image, but who learned to grow into His image.

Theoretically, God has the power to stop all suffering. Yet, I believe God gave us free-will. Truthfully, it was probably the hardest thing God has ever done, just as it is hard for any parent to send a child into the world, knowing the child will suffer. But God knows we must make these choices for ourselves for them to have any true meaning. We cannot remain children forever. God desires a relationship with beings who can understand Him, at least in some small way. And the only way God has the power to achieve this is to give up His control over us and grant us the ability to choose, the ability to learn.

Evil, however, can only be defeated by love. God's love, unlike His knowledge or His power, has no limits. Yet, it cannot prevent our current suffering. God loves us so much, He is willing to let us suffer now for a greater existence later. I realize this is probably little comfort to those in pain. What I do find comforting, however, if knowing that we do not suffer alone. God suffers with us. Every tear we shed is matched by one of His. God's love for us allowed Him to create a universe where we would learn the difference between good and evil. God's love for us allowed Him to give us free-will. God's love for us allows us to love Him back.

As a universalist, I believe God never abandons a single soul, no matter how "evil" it may be. God sees our suffering and understands our sins. He wants nothing more than to guide us toward Him. Yet He would never force us. God desires freely given love, for love forcibly taken is worthless. Evil is the absence of love, and God works tirelessly to reveal His love in a way which does not violate our free-will. Yet God does not work in vain. Although I may not understand why certain terrible events occur, I trust God to hold us through the pain. Eventually, I believe, it will be worth it. By learning the difference between good and evil, we will become more like God and truly be His children. During the painful journey, we must remember not only our destination, but the loving Father who is with us every single step of the way, who will wait until every single one of His children comes home. We must remember His promise: 

God will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4)

The Omni-Charateristics of God (Part 4: Omnipotence)

This will be my fourth post in a five part series discussing the common characteristics of God and how I see them in light of my universalism. The five parts are:

1. Omnibenevolence (God is all-loving)
2. Omnipresence (God is present everywhere in space and time)
3. Omniscience (God is all-knowing, past, present, and future)
4. Omnipotence (God is all-powerful)
5. The Problem of Evil (The question of why, if God has the above 4 characteristics, evil exists in the universe)

For my fourth post in this series, I examine God's omnipotence. The word omnipotence comes from the Latin words "omnis" (all) and "potens" (powerful, mighty). To say that God is omnipotent is to say that He is all-powerful. Similar to omniscience, saying God is omnipotent is controversial.

The first problem with omnipotence is giving it a detailed definition. What exactly do we mean when we say "God is all-powerful". Do we mean to God can do absolutely anything? Or are their "limitations" to God's power? If so, are these limitations intrinsic or are the self-imposed?

Slight warning: This post gets a bit philosophically deep. I hope I am expressing these concepts in the clearest way possible, but I realize I might not be, so if you find something confusing, it is most likely my fault. Please feel free to ask for any clarification in the comments.

The Paradox of Omnipotence:

The most obvious limitation to God's ability to do absolutely anything is formulated in the Paradox of Omnipotence. This paradox can take many forms, but most commonly appears as the question "Can God create a rock so heavy He cannot lift it?". If God cannot create such a rock, then He is not omnipotent. If He can create such a rock, then He cannot lift it. Again, He is shown not to be omnipotent. The obvious solution usually given to this issue is to formulate that God can only do things which are logically possible. God cannot create a rock He cannot lift, draw a circle whose ratio of circumference to diameter is anything but π, or any other logical impossibility. 

The limitation of God's power to logical possibilities is an intrinsic limitation. It is not that God chooses to lack the ability to do the logically impossible, but that the logically impossible is meaningless when describing what God (or anything for that matter) is able to do. Assuming God does exists, He himself would be logically consistent (since, if He wasn't, He wouldn't exist) and a logically consistent being acts only in logically consistent ways, not because of a lack of power to act otherwise, but because there is no otherwise way to act.

Overall, this solution is fairly uncontroversial and widely accepted in the most Christian denominations.While this paradox deserves genuine thought and consideration, most religious thinkers and believers do not feel it threatens God's omnipotence.

God's Nature:

Another difficulty with God's omnipotence deals with God's nature. Most belief systems assign specific characteristics to God, such as God being all-loving or God never lying. This situation presents us with three options:

1. God can, and does, violate these characteristics when He wants to. God could hate someone or God could lie if He choose to, even if He generally does not.
2. God can violate His nature if He wants to, but chooses not to. God could hate someone or God could lie, but He does not ever do something which goes against His essential nature. This would be a self-imposed limitation.
3. God cannot violate His nature even if He wanted to. It is not possible for God to hate someone or for God to lie. This would be an intrinsic limitation.

First, I will state that my personal beliefs rule out the first option. I am sure there are people who disagree with me on this, but the whole point of this series is to analyze the characteristics of God from my universalist perspective. My belief in God's infinite love for every living being means God cannot hate someone or lie to them.

This problem presents more of a challenge than the last one. While it is obvious that God cannot do anything logically impossible, the exact definition of "logically impossible" is fuzzy here. Is it logically impossible for God to go against His own nature? If so, option 3 is the solution. If not, option 2.

Personally my answer is easy: I don't know. I say this because there is no practical difference between option 2 and option 3. I believe that God does not violate His own nature. Whether this is because doing to is a logical impossibility or whether it is God's own choice is irrelevant, because the outcome is the same for both options.

God's Omnipotence vs. Human Free-Will:

To begin this section, I will state that I do believe in free-will, and my following argument is based on the assumption that free-will is true. Sometime in the future I will post on why I believe this to be so, but I do not want to make this post excessively long.

The last question I will address is the interaction between God's omnipotence and our own free-will. Does God's omnipotence violate our free-will? Before we can answer that, we must ask another question: Does violating our free-will go against God's nature?

These questions depend greatly on the definition of free-will. Obviously, humans do not have absolute free-will. For example, we do not choose the circumstance of our birth (the timing, location, our gender, our genetics, our family, etc). Many circumstances of our lives are not in our control, but in God's. In this case, God's omnipotence could be said to violate our free-will. Or we could say He does not because we have no control over those choices and, therefore, they do not fall under the category of free-will. This problem lies mostly within the realm of semantics.

However, there are many aspects of our life we do have control over. We control who we are friends with, the kind of job we have, and our personal belief system. We choose whether or not we believe in God and, if we do, what kind of God we believe in. Personally, I believe that God could violate our free-will in these circumstances, if He chose. But, I also believe that, because God is all-loving, God respects our free-will to make our own choices and therefore would not violate those choices. Our purpose in life is to learn to be good people. While there are many paths to this goal, we must choose our own path or we are nothing more than God's robots. It is our free-will which defines us as human beings. If God desires a true relationship with us, He cannot violate our free-will.

These are by no means the only arguments against omnipotence. It is a complicated topic, philosophically and religiously. I do not believe in a God who is absolutely all-powerful, for such a God defies logic. Yet I cannot actually define the limits of God's power. I do not  feel God would violate His own nature or our own free-will with His omnipotence, even if He could. I have no way to prove these propositions, they are just what I believe.

Basically, I am not comfortable giving God the label omnipotent. There are limits, both intrinsic and self-imposed, on God's power. However, His power to love us, forgive us, and heal us are infinite, and these are the powers of God I consider absolutely vital. Many religious believers make this claim, yet their theology does not support it. They point to these amazing characteristics of God with one hand, and everlasting torment for a majority of humanity with the other. It is absolutely ludicrous. God's power is not demonstrated in fear, abandonment, and torture, but patience, mercy, and above all else, love.

What Does it Mean to Love Our Enemies?

Several weeks ago, Richard Beck of Experimental Theology made a post that I have not been able to stop thinking about. He talked about the disconnect between the love Christians preach to the love Christians practice. The reason I appreciated this post so much is it put into precise words a phenomena which I had difficulty describing, but whose existence helped drive me away from Christianity.

I grew up going to conservative Southern Baptist churches and love was frequently the topic of sermons. This included God's love for humans, our love for God, and our love for each other. It was the last one which bothered me. Countless times I was reminded that Jesus said "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:43-44).

No matter what happened, we were to love our enemies. No matter how we felt, we were to love our enemies. No matter how they insulted us, stole from us, or physically harmed us, we were to love our enemies.

In words, it sounded great. It still does. But I did not see it practiced. At least, I did not see it practiced in any substantial form. What I repeatedly saw felt more like judgment. Anyone whose views or lifestyle did not conform to the church's was demonized. Unfortunatly, I experienced much of this personally, from my step-father. Liberal politicians on the nightly news were accused of murder and sexually deviancy. Homosexuals and feminists were blamed for destroying families. Even strangers were targets. If someone cut him off on the road, the string of insults that would follow could be rather nasty. Yet, when I would ask why he hated these people, I would always get them same reply: "I don't hate them. I'm a Christian. I love them."

So what exactly was this love? How could love allow for such seeming cruelty? In his post, Beck wrote that:

"As best I can tell, [loves] means the following: To love someone is to wish that they go to heaven."

Personally, I felt it had even a narrower definition. To love someone is to wish they would convert to Christianity (and, of course, to claim conservative our views). To love someone means to proselytize them, to "save" their soul. It did not mean to truly listen to them. It did not mean to learn about their life and to have compassion for their unique sufferings. It did not mean to forgive them when they actually harmed you (since I do not believe mere disagreement on political or social issue can usually be classified as "harm").

Love became some strange ideal, something that existed only in theory, not a concrete action with practical value. 

As a universalist, I believe God's love for us is not only unconditional, but involved. It is not just an emotion He possesses for us, but an action He directs at each one of us individually. He supports us during periods of suffering. He teaches us lessons throughout our life to forge us into better people. He even forgives us when we screw up, and helps us return to the correct path. God's love is NOT passive, and ours should not be either.

For me, to genuinely love your enemy can be quite hard. Our first instinct is towards anger or revenge. But love demands it must be towards understanding and forgiveness. People injure others when they have been hurt themselves: they are suffering, so they force others to suffer. Love stops this viscous cycle. To love your enemy represents that you have a profound desire to help end their suffering NOW, not a hope they will be blissful in some distant afterlife. It means you must see past the exterior of anger, greed, jealously, and hate, to an interior person who is in deep pain, allowing you to forgive their transgressions.

How often have you accidentally hurt someone when you have been preoccupied with your own pain? I know I have. Maybe that guy who cut you off today just lost his job. Or the woman who is rude to you is preoccupied with how she is going to afford food for her children this week. Or the person who roughly bumps into you and walks away without apologizing just found out their child has a terminal disease. If we truly knew the reasons behind people's bad actions, I believe we would be sympathetic more often than judgmental or wrathful.

Unfortunately, we cannot see people the way that God can. In some ways, it might be easier for Him to love us than for us to love each other. He sees our pain and suffering, so He understands why we lash out at others. We do not have that luxury. When we love our enemies, forgive them, and offer them our help, it means we are giving them the benefit of the doubt. They might have hurt us, but that does not mean they are bad people. It means we sympathize with their hidden pain, because we too are human. It means we recognize that love is not just a dream for the future, but a healing force in the present.

Prayer

For the first two decades of my life, prayer was not important to me. When I was young and we prayed in church, I would go through the motions like everyone else. My eyes would be closed, my head would be bowed, and I would attempt not to fidget too much. If the pastor was leading us in prayer, I might even mentally repeat his words in my head, but rarely did I actually pray. Usually, I was bored and just wanted the service to be over soon.

Sporadically, however, I might break the pattern and ask God for material possessions, like a new set of Legos or whatever other toy I had recently been begging for. Nothing I ever prayed for then was serious. Prayer also was never scheduled for me. I had many friends who prayed with their families before bed every not, but this was not a tradition my family followed. Nor did we pray before meals, except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Prayer belonged solely to the realm of church.

When I was slightly older, and the teachings of my church began to have more of an impression on my young mind, I was conflicted about prayer. On one hand, I knew I was supposed to pray to God. Good Christians prayed to God all the time, right? If you did not pray to God, how would you prove you were a Christian and, therefore, get into heaven? Yet, I absolutely loathed it. God scared me. Why would I want to pray to Him? At the time, I was convinced God hated me. Why would He listen to my prayers if I was such a bad person? Time and time again I would try to conquer my fear. I thought if I prayed more and promised God I loved Him, he wouldn't hurt me. But in my heart I knew those promises weren't true, and even worse, I knew that God knew they weren't true.

Once I was able to cease attending church, my weak attempts at prayer stopped too. I felt no desire for God or communication with Him. Actually, I desperately yearned not to believe in Him. 

Recently, however, prayer has become absolutely vital to my life. Universalism brought about a radically new view of God and a great longing to communicate with Him. I began to pray daily. Usually, my prayers take place at night. I'm a night owl (if you couldn't tell by the timestamps on my posts) and that is when I feel the most comfortable.

For me, prayer is like a conversation with God. I actually talk to God. Putting this into words actually makes it sound kind of stupid, but I talk to God about being upset, or angry, or scared. I talk to God about the worries I have about my friends and family. I talk to God about my frustration at being sick. I even talk to God about theology. I ask for patience and strength. I ask for understanding. I ask for guidance to become a better person. Rarely do I ask for something material.

The best part though, is I do feel God listening to me. It is when I pray that I am best able to perceive the pure love of God, and it never ceases to amaze me how strong His love really is. Before, prayer bored me or scared me. Now, I can talk to God for hours and not even realize the time slipping by. Nothing in the whole world makes me feel like I do when I pray. God feels my pain with me and sharing it with Him is extraordinarily comforting. Often, I cannot even say my prayers have an end, for I drift off to sleep immersed in my connection with my Father.

It is through prayer that I am starting to understand the nature of God, as much as a human possibly could. It is the foundation of my relationship with God, it is how I most directly experience the love of God, and it has become the best part of my day and an integral part of my life.

God's Injustice

One of the most common criticisms of universalism is that it is unjust. The lack of a form of eternal punishment, whether conscious torment or complete annihilation, means that universalists are focusing only on God's love and mercy and totally excluding His judgment.

This criticism can be narrowed down into two schools of thought:

First are those who equate "no eternal hell" with "no punishment". This is a simple misunderstanding. Punishment is important. Any decent parent punishes their children, and since God is the perfect parent, His punishment would be perfect. Its purpose is for correction and reconciliation, not torment.

Second are those who believe you cannot have justice without eternal punishment. They see anything other than nonbelievers and unrepentant sinners in hell as injustice. In my opinion, this approach is completely irrational and does a huge disservice to God.

In The Republic, the philosopher Plato, using the voice of his mentor, Socrates, creates a dialogue around the question "What is justice?" With Socrates as a guide, the characters in The Republic outline the perfect city-state modeled with justice as the centerpiece. This dialogue is eye-opening in that is proves not only that justice is difficult to define, but that it is almost impossible to create a perfectly just world.

One of my favorite quotes from The Republic is "The highest reach of injustice is to be deemed just when you are not." (Book II). I believe this perfectly describes the god of eternal punishment. This god commits acts of unspeakable horror, all in the name of justice. Logically, it makes no sense. Finite crimes committed in a finite period of time, no matter how terrible, do not deserve infinite punishment. 

Almost every human today considers Adolf Hitler to be the face of evil. Yet Hitler's systematic torture and murder of 7 million people is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, compared to what this god does. The current lifetime of the universe (almost 14 billion years) is infinitesimal to the amount of time this god will torture sinners and unbelievers.

But that is not even the worst part. The worst part is that all of this is supposedly done out of love, from a god who is love.

As I mentioned earlier, through The Republic, Plato does a wonderful job of showing you how difficult it is to define justice, and I in no way claim I know what justice is in every circumstance. Only God knows. But, I do know what love is. I know how it feels and I know how it acts. The Bible itself knows:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 4-8)

I know that God is Love, and no God who is Love could ever abandon and torture one of His children eternally, with absolutely no hope of redemption. No good human would do such a thing to their enemies, let alone anyone they truly loved. Is God worse than us? The mere thought is horrific!

Love NEVER fails, and because God is Love, God NEVER fails. Losing even one of His children forever is failure. Not only would it be torture for the lost soul, but it would be torture to God Himself. Think about the person you love most. Could you ever be happy knowing they are being forever tortured? So how could God be happy knowing one of His children is lost eternally? Heaven cannot exist if even one soul is missing.

Eternal hell also fixes nothing. Will a woman who has been raped feel better knowing her rapist is in hell? Or a father who has lost his only child? Maybe for awhile. But does the eternal torture of the rapist and murderer do anything to heal the woman and the father? Not a thing. It might satisfy their desire for revenge, but it serves no redeeming purpose. Their pain and anger need to be healed by reconciliation and forgiveness. Since rape and murder are acts so damaging to the victims, it is doubtful this can occur during this lifetime. But if they are ever to occur, the perpetrators themselves must also be healed and redeemed, and an eternal hell precludes this from happening.

Justice and love are not exclusionary. On the contrary, they can exist in harmony. I believe God will eventually create justice for every singe being in the universe. But eternal hell is neither just nor loving, and it is definitely not of God. 

The Omni-Characteristics of God (Part 1: Omnibenevolence)

This will be my first post in a five part series discussing the common characteristics of God and how I see them in light of my universalism. The five parts are:

1. Omnibenevolence (God is all-loving)
2. Omnipresence (God is present everywhere in space and time)
3. Omniscience (God is all-knowing, past, present, and future)
4. Omnipotence (God is all-powerful)
5. The Problem of Evil (The question of why, if God has the above 4 characteristics, evil exists in the universe)

 I begin with God's omnibenevolence, which, for me, is His most important characteristic. The word omnibenevolent comes from three Latin words: omnis (meaning "all"), bene (good/well), and volo (want).

Basically, to say that God is omnibenevolent is to say that He is perfectly good, totally merciful, and all-loving. But how exactly do we define these three pieces of omnibenevolence and what do they mean for our relationship with God?

Perfectly Good:

To be perfectly good means to have no trace of evil. To be sinless. God is never jealous or selfish. He never acts out of anger. Everything God does he does for the benefit of His creation. It is God himself who decided what is good and what a person must do to be good. First, it was the 10 Commandments. Later, Jesus shortened this to "love God and your neighbor". For an individual to be good, he or she must follow God's example. Being good is what brings us closer to God.

Totally Merciful:

Saying God is totally merciful means that God is always willing to forgive sin. As a universalist, I take it a step further. I believe God always forgives sin. God does "not [count] men's sins against them" (2 Corinthians 5:19). God has already forgiven your sins, even the ones you have not repented or even committed. This does NOT mean repentance is not important. It is vital. Yet God's forgiving grace covers you no matter what. Mercy, as opposed to strict justice, allows us to learn compassion for others, again helping us become closer to God.
  
All-Loving

Last, and most complexly, God's omnibenevolence means God is all-loving. God's love extends over all His creation. It is infinite. There is no way to exhaust God's love. God loves every human equally, the worst no less than the best. This love cannot be earned, it is freely given by God; it is unconditional, and does not require that the love be returned. Nothing you do will make God want to love you less or stop loving you.

Yet love is a complicated word. What do we mean by love? How does God love?

There are several different types of love, including:

• Parental love: The love a parent has for a child. Often considered the closet humans can get to unconditional love.
• Philos love:  The love between good friends with no sexual feelings.
• Romantic love: Love between individuals which does involve sexual feelings.

The love often used to describe God however, is called agape. In my opinion, it is a combination between parental love and philos love. God loves us unconditionally like a parent. He is our creator and sustainer, and we are His children. It is why many address Him as "Father". Yet I do not feel parental love completely represent the love of God. He is also our friend. A parent's job is to nurture, protect, and discipline, and God does these things. Yet it is in friends that we confide in. God is our confidant. He knows our every thought. He discerns our motive for every action, good and bad. He understands us far better than we understand ourselves.

For any human to know us the way God knows us, to know every fleeting thought crossing our mind, would be terrible. How many of us entertain thoughts we do not truly mean or thoughts we would never act on?

However, it is different with God. His unconditional love and his absolute understanding means we should not feel anxious or embarrassed that he knows us so intimately. It means we can share our hopes, dreams, fears, and problems without anxiety over being judged negatively.

It is omnibenevolence which make God our God. It is how he creates a personal relationship with all individuals in his creation. It is why we worship Him, pray to Him. It allows Him not to be just our parent, but friend, confidant, and partner. Most importantly, it is why we trust Him and have confidence that, no matter our suffering, God is with us and will never leave us.

Defining My Universalism

Like any theological concept, the idea of universalism will have varying meanings for different people. In my last post, I discussed how I do not see universalism through the lens of Christianity, despite the commonality of that view. In this post, I will attempt to put forth in more detail exactly what I mean when I state "I am a universalist". The best way I perceive to do this is with a list of what I do believe, what I do not believe, and what I am unsure of.

1. I believe God is absolutely unconditional love and that this love extends to all people indiscriminately, regardless of their beliefs or actions.

2. I believe that, because God is love, God will not allow any of his creation to be lost forever. In the end, all people will be saved.

3. I do NOT believe this means a person is allowed to do whatever he/she pleases and still "get into heaven". I do believe there are consequences for our negative actions, especially those which we do not repent. Universalism is NOT an excuse to sin. It should be an excuse to become a better person when you realize that all people are truly equal in the eyes of God.

4. I am unsure of how exactly sin in punished. I have heard of many options, including a temporary hell of corrective punishment (like a purgatory) or reincarnation (where important life lessons are repeated until properly learned). While I lean toward the former explanation, I have not yet formed a final decision.

5. I do believe that, whatever form punishment may take, God does out of love and concern, not anger.

6. I do believe there are many paths to God and to being a good person, and that a belief in God (theism) is NOT necessary to be a good person.

7. I do NOT believe that all paths lead to God, nor that all paths are equal. Every major religion has (in my opinion) valid paths to God. But every major religion also has paths that I consider lead away from God. Any belief system can lead to God, but when twisted for selfish personal gain, it will quickly lead the follower down a destructive path away from God.

These 7 statements sum up my universalism and my belief about God. Obviously it is not perfect. There is a certain degree of uncertainty (especially in point 4) that I hope to write on in more detail with a later post. Until then, I hope this explanation will at least assist you in understanding more precisely what I mean when I say "I believe in universalism".

My Journey

From early childhood, religion presented a problem for me. I grew up in a religious family, and my identity as a Christian was just assumed.It was never a conscious choice made on my part, it just was.

My grandfather had taught me to read even before I entered kindergarten, and I devoured numerous books. It was around this time my interest in science became apparent. At first it was biology. I loved reading about animals, especially reptiles. Later, I transitioned into astronomy after learning about the constellations at summer camp.

Around the same time I began to attend Sunday school, where I was taught many Bible stories. Even at a young age, I noticed inconsistencies between what I was taught in school and read in books to what I was told the Bible said. I remember asking my mother how cave men fit into the story of Adam and Eve. Since she had grown up in the Catholic Church, with its more accepting attitude towards science, she explained to me how the Bible stories were not necessarily meant to be taken literally, but were stories told thousands of years ago to help people make sense of the world. This made sense to me, and for a time everything was fine.

Just before my 5th birthday, my family moved to Oklahoma when my step-dad received a job offer. Almost immediately, we began attending a church which was much more conservative, both in its politics and its theology. Since it was also a small church, Sunday school was not offered, only a nursery for children under 7, so I attended regular sermons with my parents for the first time. It was at this time religion, and specifically Christianity, became a destructive force in my life.

Although not a fire and brimstone preacher, the pastor at my church often talked about hell. He made it clear that those who did not accept Jesus Christ as their savior would suffer eternally in ways that could not even be imagined. But, more frequently, he talked about what he called "false" Christians: those who believed they were saved, but because they did not live a life free of sin and measure up to the perfection of God, were actually damned by the judgment of a vengeful and wrathful god.

Being a rather sensitive child, I took these messages to heart. Although most people would not have described me as a bad child (I got good grades, usually did my chores, never got in serious trouble, etc.) I began to fear that I was somehow one of these "false" Christians, and that I was destined for hell.

For many years, I went through a vicious cycle of determination to be a good Christian and destructive failure whenever I felt I had done something to anger the god I was taught about every Sunday. Adding to this was an unhappy home life. My biological father had abandoned my mother during her pregnancy with me when she refused an abortion. Afraid of being a single mother, she quickly married my step-dad. Because of this, my step-dad's family, with the exception of my grandfather, never truly accepted me. When my little sister was born, my step-dad's attitude toward me turned cold. I was no longer necessary. Stuck in a series of dead-end jobs, he took his anger out on me, both emotionally and physically. With the deaths of my grandfather and all my mother's family occurring before the age of 10, I was left in a family that did not want me. I felt exceptionally alone.

Often, I thought these tragic events were a punishment from God because I was such a bad person. Eventually, I lost all hope. During my teenage years, I ignored God. I felt he hated me, considered me worthless, and was going to send me to hell no matter what I did. Why bother trying to please God when he wanted nothing to do with me? I became depressed. I would purposely injure myself. I even attempted suicide twice.

My life began to improve in high school. I had a wonderful group of friends. Although I never shared my religious struggles with them, they discovered my depression, self-injury, and the marks my step-dad left on me and made sure I received proper help. Because there was not enough evidence, my step-dad has never been punished for his abuse of me, but the investigation alone scared him enough to stop him from physically harming me.

With this help, I began to recover from my childhood. Religion was no longer important to me. I dedicated my life to science and felt that God was not necessary for that life. I began to call myself an agnostic. Yet, I was never able to move into atheism. As much as I desired to not believe in God, I could not. He was always in the back of my mind. Part of me knew he was there.

The problem was, along with God, was overwhelming fear. The thought of God still terrified me because it brought with it the certainty of my damnation to an everlasting hell filled with indescribable torments. It was a thought that made me physically ill.

Yet, once I left home for college, and despite my immersion into the scientific community, I longed for more. I felt that my life was missing something, and although I loathed admitting it to myself, deep down I realized this longing had something to do with God. But I did not know how to get past my terror. The metaphors of "God as a loving Father" were useless for me. "Loving" and "father", in my experience, did not belong in the same sentence. And "God is Love" was equally pointless, because an entity whose very nature was love could not have created an eternal hell and actually send the people he supposedly loved there.I had a vague idea of the God I wanted, but I had seen nothing to show me He was real. I felt very isolated and alone.

Eventually, the desire for answers was stronger than my fear. So, I did what I had always done: I began to read. I combed online for people who felt the way I felt. And I was utterly shocked when I actually found them. Lots of them. I discovered entire websites devoted to the idea of universalism. I read stories of people who had the same disillusion with Christianity and terror of God as I. I found arguments for why an everlasting hell is not consistent with God's loving character nor is it even Biblical. I saw how believers of universalism reconciled their belief in God with their hatred of conditional love and damnation.

Yet belief still eluded me. My fear was as strong as ever. What if I was wrong? What if this was a trick? How could I be sure?

This inner conflict came to a head one sleepless night. I was angry and I was scared. I wanted God. But I did not know how to trust Him. How could I? After everything that had happened to me? How could I ever overcome my fear? I spent several hours that night, crying softly and silently, feeling scared and alone. But suddenly, everything changed. I was surrounded by a feeling I knew to be the Love of God. I felt Him inside myself, almost too much to bear, but not painful. Words cannot describe it. I knew at that instant to God loved me more than I could possibly comprehend. He loved me and He was sorry for the terrible things that had happened to me. I cannot tell you how long this lasted. I just remember finally falling asleep immersed in the Love of God, the fear I had struggled with for so many years wiped away like it was nothing.

Since then, I have become a dedicated universalist. I believe that God is Love and this means that God will save every single person in the end. I still have many questions, and readily admit there are many things I still do not understand, and might not ever understand, but I know in my heart that the God I have found through universalism is real and I have nothing to fear from Him.